Tube Manners

It angers me every time I do it, yet I cannot seem to stop myself. Everyday I have to remind myself before I set foot on the train - DON'T DO IT! I know it will ruin my day, that I will loose the will to live, yet I cannot seem to stop myself. And it never fails, as soon as I look up from minding the gap I know the damage will be done. I see people.

There are two reasons why looking at people on the tube upsets me so much each and every time. Firstly, it's the ugly ones. It is widely known that the British population is not the most attractive in the world, which is why I feel comfortable as a non Brit to admit that the sheer ugliness on the train to work depresses me. It sometime makes me sick, but mostly it makes me want to turn back home and never leave the house again, it depresses me. The one time I saw a remotely handsome male on the train to work I got so excited I started following him when he got off..

The second is manners. I seem to be one of very very few people who do not treat public transport as my own personal transportation and as such I try to show respect and consideration when squeezed in between someone's armpit and ingrown beard bumps. I am of the perception that one should behave in an appropriate manner when confined in a small space with hundreds of strangers:

1) Move DOWN! I do not understand people who so completely lack any awareness of space and their own position in it they cannot even understand that the more we utilize the space given the more people can get on. I suggest we instead of shouting a general “can you move down please” start shouting “ey you move! Yes you in the brown jacket and curly hair, move down!” Make it personal!

2) Holding onto rails and poles with BOTH arms. The tube doesn’t not thrust you around enough for the need of holding on like you’re sailing around the Good Hope Cape. You are however invading my space and most likely spreading a double whammy of that funny smell coming from your armpits when you don’t use deodorant.

3) Not letting go of rails and poles when the train is in the station. People are trying to get off muppet, let go!

4) If you are a tourist - talking. Take note – we do not speak to strangers on the tube, we read and shut up I suggest you do the same.

5) Insisting on pushing onto the train when there obviously is no more space. This is not Paris.

6) Using iPod headphones. They should be banned. I understand that Apple after producing the most popular mp3 player in the world had no money left to produce quality headphone to go with it, and thus causing people all over the world to listen to other people’s crap music at inconvenient times. Turn it down – I don’t want to listen to Oasis especially not at ten to seven in the morning!